I’m on the number 9, and I’m minding my own business (but listening to absolutely everything everybody’s saying, obviously) when this late teens/early twenties couple bundle on and sit in the seat in front of me. And it’s all very dramatic, and she dumps all her bags and bowks at him lots and speaks in a very loud voice like he’s either 8 years old or deaf in one ear, and it’s hard not to tune in to their conversation as it unfolds…
Girl: “Ah’ve telt eh joab centre ah’ve applied fur wan ae they hingy joabs et eh hingy.”
Boy: “A whitty?”
Girl: “A hingy buddy. Whit d’ye cry em?”
Boy: “Ehm…”
Girl: “Whit d’ye cry wan ae they folk that dae hings wae weans?”
Boy: “A pedophile?”
Girl: “NAW!! Fur fuxake Gary, how the fuck would ah be applying tae be a fuckin pedophile??”
Boy: “Ehm…”
Girl: “Swear tae fuckin God, your Maw musta heavy duty drapped you oan yer heid when ye were wee. Yer thick as pig shit sumtums.”
[Pause]
Girl: “Christ sake.”
[Silence]
Boy: “So…”
Girl: “Aye, so!”
[Silence]
Boy: “Sorry.”
[Pause]
Girl: [Huffs] “Learn tae hink afore ye blurt stupid stuff oot, gonnae?”
Boy: “Aye. Sorry. Ah’ts whit ma yoof worker yist tae sae tae me tae.”
Girl: “CRYINOOTLOUD—Youth Worker!! Ah’ts whit ah wis tryin tae hink ae, ya dafty!”
Boy: “Whit?”
Girl: “When ah says aboot daein stuff wae weans!”
[Pause]
Boy: “But ah foat ye says ye wisnae a pedo?”
[Massive inhale through flaring nostrils, eyes bulging]
Girl: “GAAAAARY. Ah swear tae God ah’m gonnae knock FUCK oot ae you when we get aff ’is bus.”
Poor Gary.